you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
