Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
