I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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