Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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