i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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