there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sobbing to NWA
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
