I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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