I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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