Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
