i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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