please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
