I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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