i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
