I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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