I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
