i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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