Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
