i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
