Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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