My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
