I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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