So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize