Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
