I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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