I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
