I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
