when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
