Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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