His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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