when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, beer. Big fan.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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