Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
