i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
