woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
