We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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