Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
