stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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