Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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