quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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