Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
