So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
