You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
