I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He passed out mid-signature
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Randomize
