No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
