I just pynch a tree in the face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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