I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
