I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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