The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I want to fling myself into the sun
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize