So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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