You're so nebulous sometimes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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