I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
