guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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