I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
