I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
