I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to calm my uterus...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
