i just sent this text using only my big toe
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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