Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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