my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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