just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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