I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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