I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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