I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
