i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
