ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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